2022 Birthday Reflection
The thing about my birthday being in January is that my reflection for the year coincides neatly with my personal reflection.
2021 - the year I'm calling my Year of Realizations.
Angeline Jackson, morning writings.
It’s not the greatest to start your new year in a state of being where you realize you're about to bottom out. When you realize you're in a tunnel and can't find even a glimmer of light. Yet at the same time, I wonder if this state could be its own blessing? I realized where I was heading and I finally reached out for help.
Angeline Jackson, morning writings.
If you've heard people talking about seminary and preparing for ministry, you might hear them say that you get stripped away, broken open, and then restored. Similar to the larger grad school experience, but with an additional depth. And of course, life happens in the midst of this! All of life.
I’d like to share these realizations:
People will project a lot of things on you and if you're not firm in your sense of self you will take on people's projection and lose yourself.
Sometimes people will push you to conform to ideas they have about you. When you do that you are no longer you. The dissonance will slowly build until you feel like you're going to lose your mind.
People will lie and break your trust. But you have to respond from your place of truth and knowledge of self - difficult when you've lost that sense of self. Honor yourself, allow yourself to feel the feelings even when it feels like it will break you open.
Each of us has the ability to cause harm to another person. We're human. We have to own the impact of our actions, blaming our circumstances, situations, or shouting our intentions doesn't change what the other person experienced. Own it and apologize.
Nobody owes us forgiveness. We don't know the level of harm we cause, only the person who has experienced it can say. Sometimes that harm is unforgivable, other times forgiveness may be a long way off.
You don't owe anyone forgiveness. Not for any reason. If you give it, it is because you chose to, not because you were duty-bound.
Sometimes we’re doing a lot of talking but not communicating. Saying the same words don't always carry the same meaning. As a Jamaican, when I tell you "hush" I'm usually meaning to soothe you. Yet, someone from another culture may think I'm telling them to “be quiet”. Also, we need to say what we mean, not expect others to know what we’re thinking.
Our childhood beliefs often remain with us even when we aren’t consciously aware of them. Sometimes these beliefs have significant impacts on our thoughts, actions, decision, the compromises we make, and the things we put up with.
You can't stop people from doing what they want to or being who they are. When they show you this, believe them the first time, you don't need multiple confirmations.
You almost always have someone you can talk to. Talk to that person.
Change can be good.
Things change. Figure out how you feel about the change, take time with it, learn what you need to learn. You don't have to speed through the changes. You don't have to agree with the changes being made if it doesn't suit what you need. At the end of the day, the choice is yours. Make sure the decision you make is the one you can be happy with.
It was an emotionally taxing year of coming to these realizations. I cried a lot, sometimes it felt like my chest was about to break open. A few times I considered pressing pause on everything in my life. But I pressed forward, slowly, deliberately, painfully.
You know the most important thing I realized? Change is inescapable and constant. I can fight it and be miserable (and I did) or I can do my best to work with the changes.
-Angeline
“All that you touch You Change. All that you Change Changes you. The only lasting truth is Change.”
